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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23315683">Breathe Our Last</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreampinkv/pseuds/dreampinkv'>dreampinkv</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adultery, Affairs, Cheating, Depends on how you see it though, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Tragedy, jaehyun loves taeyong so much, rated mature for theme, tw! suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:15:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,362</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23315683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreampinkv/pseuds/dreampinkv</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This story took place in the first half of the 20th century.</p><p>Taeyong is a loyal, supportive lover of Johnny. Everyday he takes care of Johnny, their house, their relationship. That is until he joined a volunteering committee and then met Jaehyun, the man who changed Taeyong's life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Breathe Our Last</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first writing and I was inspired by Virginia Woolf's work "The Legacy". I will write further explanation for the details in this story on the end notes. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If one word was to describe the personality of Taeyong, it would be altruistic. At one hand it seemed good and noble, but at the other hand it might be bad and could harm yourself.</p><p>Taeyong once used to travel across countries. Venice, France, Spain, China, everywhere. He loved the different atmosphere in each different country, the food, the clothes, the culture. But it was years ago, too long to even remember how long has it been since his last travel. So he decided to do some volunteering, helping people in the poor area on the east side of the city, at least that's what he's always so passionate about-helping others.</p><p>Sometimes, when he walks to his workplace, part of him wished he could go back to his house, sitting by the fireplace with a glass of hot chocolate warming his hand. But he was over those days. It might seem luxurious to live such a life, but his tired body had been getting even more tired from sitting and doing nothing day after day.</p><p>The base of the volunteering committee was located in a local bookshop in Whitechapel. At first he felt unfamiliar and awkward, meeting new people to work together with. He felt thankful for her secretary, Jung Chaeyeon, who had introduced him to her brother who took part on this volunteering agenda.</p><p>It was Jung Jaehyun, the man who always accompanies Taeyong in this program. It was very unfortunate that Taeyong and Jaehyun did not go well together. They always had something to argue about. It's like they walked on different path, but side to side. And to Taeyong's dismay, Jaehyun was very vocal and insightful in politics. They once had a fight over the topic of socialism. And one day Taeyong almost hit Jaehyun for saying mean remarks over somebody he knew who worked on politics. Taeyong was lucky to meet him only on Wednesday, where they met for the volunteering program.</p><p>When they visited London Tower, it was a surprise to Taeyong that the trip went unexpectedly well-meaning that they surprisingly, for the first time, spent a pretty long time together without quarrels. At the top of the tower, Jaehyun talked about a lot of things, even things Taeyong did not expect Jaehyun to tell. From small facts about himself to heavy topics. It made Taeyong see something in Jaehyun that he never saw before. Was Jaehyun always this appealing and serious? Or was it because the cold wind piercing through his chest and mind?</p><p>They met again, and this time it was not for working. It was actually because of a silly promise Taeyong made one time after volunteering, saying that he would invite Jaehyun to dinner if he managed to eat raspberry cobbler at one bite. Taeyong knew it was the most unfavorable dessert for Jaehyun, and it shocked him that Jaehyun actually ate it, with a few gags between the chew. It was a fun watch, he supposed, and he decided to keep his promise and invited Jaehyun over on Sunday night.</p><p>Jaehyun wore a black frock coat with white shirts underneath that night, knocking at Taeyong's front door which then welcomed by Minnie, the parlourmaid. A slight surprise emerged in Taeyong's eyes as he saw Jaehyun shook hands with Minnie, but he suppressed himself to address that thing to Jaehyun. Taeyong knew that if he brought that topic up, it would end up in an argue again. Though Taeyong doubt that now he still had different view of things with Jaehyun, because it felt like Taeyong understand Jaehyun a lot more than yesterday.</p><p>Taeyong felt very uneasy by how Jaehyun's eyes dropped and looked very sorrow, but his lips still formed a faint smile. It was fake, that's what Taeyong thought.</p><p>"I never knew you were living together," Jaehyun said.</p><p>It was a mixed emotions. Was it heartache? If not, then why did his heart throb upon hearing that sentence. Was it guilt? To whom did this guilty feeling directed to? Taeyong did not know the answer to those questions. What Taeyong knew was that evening ended in an open wound Taeyong could not describe.</p><p>"Please send my greetings to Johnny," Jaehyun smiled and left the house.</p>
<hr/><p>It surprised Taeyong how casual Jaehyun act on the next day. He guessed last night was sympathy. Seeing a little spark of disappointment in Jaehyun's eyes triggered his sympathetic heart, which then made him felt sad too. "All was fine," Taeyong lied to himself.</p><p>Taeyong already refused Jaehyun's offer to walk him home numerous times, but he insisted, and Taeyong could not do much at that time. Jaehyun was always selfish when it comes to Taeyong. Did that even make sense? He always forces himself into doing things to appease Taeyong, even though Taeyong himself never asked anything from Jaehyun. They walked home, chit-chatting in the middle of the hustle and bustle around them, stopped by a nearby ice cream shop to give them some sweet treats. It was nice. It felt nice. Taeyong could feel how light the air was around him, how light the atmosphere was.</p><p>Perhaps they were too indulged in their own world when Jaehyun bumped to a little kid. The little kid was now on the gound, clothes disheveled, smeared with chocolate ice cream. Taeyong felt bad, he panicked, thinking what should he do if the kid cried. It was unfortunate for Taeyong for having less experience with kids, his panic faded when Jaehyun crouched down in front of the little kid, calming him down. A sight that Taeyong would never forget.</p><p>It was very odd to walk together without any conversation. Back then they usually quarrel about anything, then it changed into having normal conversation, and now it's quiet, and it's killing Taeyong. They stopped at an intersection, ready to separate ways as both headed to different directions. Taeyong stared into Jaehyun's eyes for a brief moment. Was he always this charming? Was he always this gentle? Taeyong got lost in his own thought when he felt Jaehyun's fingers caressed his face. Time felt so slow when he felt Jaehyun's lips grazed over his. And he felt his stomach twisted and turned, it felt funny, but also scary. Taeyong waved goodbye before finally crossing the road, leaving Jaehyun with a charming smile across the street.</p>
<hr/><p>"You keep scribbling on those papers," that made Taeyong realize he was not alone in the room. He closed the book and placed it on top of his writing table.</p><p>"Not yours to see," Taeyong said calmly, shifting his body in bed to find a comfortable position.</p><p>"Not even a peek? I've been desperate to read those secrets of yours," Johnny said as he crawled up to bed, approaching Taeyong, his hands sneaked up from Taeyong's stomach to his chest.</p><p>Taeyong pushed Johnn's hands away gently and turned his body, back facing Johnny. "I'm very tired, Johnny."</p><p>Johnny chuckled and hugged Taeyong, chest pressed to Taeyong's back. They were too close, Taeyong thought to himself. There was silence for a minute or two, and for some reason Taeyong could not sleep easily like he usually do.</p><p>"My diaries," Taeyong broke the silence, "you can read it after I die, perhaps."</p><p>A soft laugh escaped Johnny's lips, "Jesus, you're so dramatic," he answered as he pecked Taeyong's head.</p>
<hr/><p>Taeyong felt happy, really happy, for the decisions he took. He truly enjoyed his activity every Wednesday, which was volunteering, because it actually made Taeyong felt busy and useful. Not to mention the fact that Taeyong now felt more alive by knowing Jaehyun, with reasons Taeyong never knew. That kiss on the intersection drew them closer and closer. They never talked about it, as if it's an unspoken secret they both held for themselves to treasure.</p><p>It was Sunday night after dinner when Taeyong heard someone knocking on his front door. He was taken aback by Jaehyun's sudden visit. But his expression said otherwise as he smiled in joy, welcoming Jaehyun with open arms, somehow relieved that Johnny wasn't home, he was having a dinner at the Mansion House, him and his usual politic agenda. He invited Jaehyun to his room. Spending the evening together, Jaehyun told Taeyong a lot of stories, most of them are his childhood stories. Those stories were unimportant in the ears of anybody, anybody but Taeyong, because it felt like spellbinding fairytales that could brought him to sleep.</p><p>That evening was perfect. The moonlight shone through the window, gleaming Jaehyun's alluring face. His delicate lips seemed more tempting than before. And his eyes sparks more passion than ever. They were too captivated by each other. It was too burdensome to think about norms when Jaehyun's lips were on top of his, giving a tingling sensation to Taeyong's spine. Jaehyun gave Taeyong an ineffable sensation, and Taeyong gave back the favor, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun's neck. The touch of Jaehyun's palm felt so warm, so comforting on his skin, it brought their bodies closer, colliding each other's heartbeat. Taeyong shivered when his nightshirt stripped down to the floor, letting the cold air wrapped his naked body.</p>
<hr/><p>He let out a deep breath, elbows resting on the window frame. There was Jaehyun who had just got out from his house crossing the street. He pondered. Taeyong felt like he should be feeling anxious. He should have felt guilty. But where were those feelings? He tried to find those feelings in every inch of his heart, but he could not find them. The only thing he could felt at the moment was peace, calmness, as if the weight on his shoulders had been lifted and thrown away.</p>
<hr/><p>Months and months had passed and Taeyong had never felt so drunk before, drunk in ecstasy. He wished he will never get sober again. But fate said other wise. He had just finished dinner when Jaehyun appeared on his porch. Jaehyun said some words Taeyong would never forget, some words that made him tighten his chest and grip. It was such a beautiful moment, a perfect moment Taeyong wished he could record and keep it to death. But at the same time something struck his head, which made him trembling in fear. He shook his head, eyes diverted from Jaehyun's gaze. He gathered his composure as he felt Jaehyun's hand caressed his cheek, it felt so calming.</p><p>"You were lonely."</p><p>"I was. But not anymore with having you by my side."</p><p>"So please, come with me. We can live a happy life together. Leave behind all your sadness and loneliness in this town."</p><p>"I wish I could..."</p><p>"Yes you <em>can</em>. What holds you back?"</p><p>"You know why, I don't want to say it. I hate to explain it. You know it."</p><p>"Do you not love me?"</p><p>That took Taeyong by surprise. <em>Love</em>, Taeyong never heard that word for so long. It felt strange to hear it after such a long time. He did not even know what love felt like anymore, at least that was what he believe.</p><p>"Why do you have to ask that now?"</p><p>"Why can't you answer me?" Jaehyun's voice somewhat softened. Was he hurt? Taeyong swore he could sense a little bit of disappointment in his words.</p><p>"I don't need to answer that."<em> Because you know what I truly feel</em>.</p><p>The fight that they had never encountered since a long time ago came back, and this time it was serious. Taeyong tried to explain everything, gave him reasons and trains of excuses. But Jaehyun wouldn't buy it. They were fuming with their own selfish emotions.</p><p>"Jaehyun, let's talk later, shall we? Johnny is going to arrive soon."</p><p>"I will die without you, Taeyong!" Jaehyun said, was he furious because Taeyong brought up Johnny at this moment?</p><p>"Don't say nonsense! Why would you say that? Don't play with my feelings like that by saying such things!"</p><p>"I'm serious, Taeyong. You know how much you meant to me!"</p><p>"Jaehyun, please! Johnny is going to come home soon. I beg you please don't do this now," Taeyong pleaded, cutting off whatever rage they had at the moment.</p><p>Jaehyun scoffed in disbelief. "Alright," he calmed himself, "Taeyong, I need you to think of this thoughtfully. Consider this, as this is a once in a lifetime chance."</p><p>Jaehyun took Taeyong's hands and held them tightly, "I meant what I say. I will kill myself if there is no you in my life. I will come here again next week. Again, Taeyong, please consider this," he continued and he kissed Taeyong's forehead, then he turned away walking further and further leaving Taeyong's house.</p><p>Taeyong sat down in his bed. He pondered. Did he make the right decisions? He did not want to lose his conscience yet. In one hand he desperately wanted to go with Jaehyun, but at the other he did not want to hurt Johnny. A<em>fter all, I have lived with him for such a long time, he has always been nice and understanding to me. I can never hurt him and leave him alone. But I did hurt him already, didn't I?</em></p><p>A week had passed and Taeyong had been nervously waiting for Jaehyun. He thought to himself that Jaehyun was probably calming himself down, and needed time to sort things together. But there Jaehyun was, standing in front of the front door. The sight was lovely yet saddening. He was wearing a brown coat with grey-ish vest underneath, hair combed back neatly, his face was as handsome as ever with those delicate lips of his making him looked exquisitely appealing.</p><p>Taeyong wanted to hug him right away, kiss him immediately, he was longing for his scent this past week for the reason only God knew. Taeyong could see how Jaehyun's eyes held hope in there. He assumed Jaehyun was trembling in nervous by the way he clenched his hands, probably trying to cover the fact that he was indeed nervous.</p><p>Taeyong smiled brightly, he really wanted to hug him immediately, but not outside. "Would you like to come in?"</p><p>"No... Taeyong, I came here for your answer remember?"</p><p>The ray of hope in Jaehyun's eyes vanished as Taeyong fell into silence. "I honestly thought you would say yes immediately, after all this time..."</p><p>"Jaehyun-"</p><p>"So you won't come with me?"</p><p>"I'm... I don't know..."</p><p>"You don't know?" Jaehyun formed a small smile, a smile that looks very painful. "You never love me, don't you?"</p><p>That was Jaehyun's last words before he walked away, so fast that Taeyong did not have a chance to answer.</p><p>Taeyong never heard of Jaehyun since then. He never showed up again in Whitechapel. Never came over again after dinner in his house. It was like Jaehyun was purposefully avoiding Taeyong.</p><p>For almost a month, Taeyong kept hoping to bump into Jaehyun. In all these months where he should be feeling anxious and scared for having an affair with Jaehyun, this is the first time Taeyong actually felt scared and nervous; because Jaehyun hadn't contacted him yet after their last conversation. Taeyong started to lose appetite, he could not stop thinking about Jaehyun. One night he unwittingly cried when he read his diaries, remembering the memories he had spent with Jaehyun. And there it comes, the feeling of guilt that Taeyong had been searching for months. Was it guilt to Johnny because he had an affair? Or was it guilt to Jaehyun because he played Jaehyun's feelings? The tears wouldn't stop that night. Did Jaehyun really think I never love him?</p><p>The feeling was eating Taeyong alive. He could not bear any more pain as he desperately yearned for Jaehyun. So he decided to write a letter to clear things up. For the sake of them.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>My dear, Jaehyun.</em><br/>
<em>I do not know whether you remember our first encounter, but I remember it vividly before my eyes. We were so terrible together, always fighting over little things, because you and I were so different back then. I would never have guessed that you would change me, my perspective, and my feelings.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The day when we get along for the first time, I will remember it until I die. The day when you first kissed me in the intersection where we separate ways, I will treasure it until I die. The day when we connect our heart and bodies together, I will cherish it until I die. Every moment we spent together, every memory of you, I will preserve it in my heart and take it to my grave. You make me feel loved like nobody ever had before. I feel your sincerity and your pure affection, and it makes me feel very loved and lucky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wish I said it when you asked me... I love you, Jaehyun. This is my answer. Please don't ever think I played your feelings, don't ever think I never loved you. Because I do love you, very much to the point that I feel like I'm dying from your lack of presence this past weeks. I really miss you, so please come over. Or show up at the Whitechapel next Wednesday like you usually do.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With love, Taeyong.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>And now he waited. It might take eventually four days until the letter reached Jaehyun. So he waited patiently, nervous but also excited since he finally said what he had to say in the letter.</p><p>One day had passed.</p><p>Two days had passed.</p><p>Three days had passed. Just one more day until Jaehyun receive the good news. But the universe already had its own plan.</p><p>Taeyong had never felt so much pain before. It was as if his heart was stabbed with a knife numerous times. It wounded, but it did not bleed. His heart did not bleed, but his eyes were bleeding of tears. The news of Jaehyun's death struck him like a thunder. He killed himself, he did what he said he would do. A clip of their memories played before his eyes as he wept in misery. He regretted everything. Why didn't he say yes to his offer? Why didn't he hug him and kiss him when he wanted to? Why didn't he say I love you when he had the chance? Why did he made Jaehyun think he never loved him?</p><p>Two weeks had passed since Jaehyun's death. No more tears left in Taeyong. He felt numb and lifeless. But he tried to pull himself together. The volunteering activity actually helped Taeyong to distract his mind from his grief. And he continued his activity like he always do. The only difference in his life was that he never write his diaries again. Perhaps, he felt too tired to write down his emotions. And there wasn't any special moment to write down anymore. He needed to distract his mind from the sadness, so he avoided those books with lots of memories.</p><p>"Are you going somewhere?" Johnny asked, seeing Taeyong tidying up his clothes in front of the mirror.</p><p>"Yes, I'm going to a bookstore in Piccadilly," Taeyong turned around, facing Johnny, "how do I look?"</p><p>Johnny approached Taeyong, hugged him and said, "stunning, as always."</p>
<hr/><p>The air was chilly, it immediately pierced through Taeyong's body as he got out of the bookstore. He stared at his surrounding for a brief moment, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He tried to absorb the scent, the atmosphere, the noise of the city, then he waited.</p><p><em>Have I got the courage to do it too?</em> That was Taeyong's last thought before he finally stepped off the kerb, just when a car was approaching him.</p><p>For all his lifetime, Taeyong always thinks about the others over himself. He had lied to himself for a long time, he manipulated his own feelings. He tried not to hurt anybody's feelings, but it lead to hurting himself. So this time, this time he did something for himself. On his own will. For his own happiness. He finally did what was right for him, what he wanted to do. He wanted to escape from his loveless relationship, and he wanted to reunite with Jaehyun, to be together eternally.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Explanations of events in reference to Virginia Woolf's "The Legacy":</p><p>"...one day Taeyong almost hit Jaehyun for saying mean remarks over somebody he knew who worked on politics."<br/>That somebody is Johnny. Jaehyun critizied Johnny for his political ideology.</p><p>"A slight surprise emerged in Taeyong's eyes as he saw Jaehyun shook hands with Minnie, the parlourmaid,"<br/>Taeyong was raised and lived with people who believe in the upper class supremacy over poor people, including Johnny. Jaehyun's act of generosity impressed Taeyong.</p><p>"Jaehyun crouched down in front of the little kid, calming him down. A sight that Taeyong would never forget."<br/>Taeyong had been lonely and always wanted a child. But Johnny did not like the thought of having one, as he felt it was already perfect with just the two of them in their relationship. Again, Taeyong found something in Jaehyun that was the complete opposite of Johnny.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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